This has been an extraordinarily challenging year for everyone on this planet. I have probably never been happier or more excited about the fresh start on January 1st. Though it is just another day, a new calendar energetically feels like a fresh start; we wipe the slate clean, start over, and have new opportunities ahead of us. I usually think about what I want to create in my life for the new year, sometimes there is a theme or an idea that I like to seed. Other times I make a vision board of all the places I'd like to go, feelings I want to imbue, and goals I set for myself. I don't do too much looking back. But this year is different. I can't move ahead and clear the slate without doing some deep diving into the lessons I've learned. If nothing else, I think 2020 has been a year of lessons, deep thought, contemplation, going deep into the psyche, deep into the soul, and reflecting. I figured why not share my reflections with the world.
1. All of my actions matter. Everything I say and do, even where I choose to spend my money, all matters. My words have energy to either help or hurt. My actions impact people, people I may not even know. And when and how I spend my money, also a form of energetic currency, changes the world. It is so easy to think that I am just one person among billions, which is a drop in the bucket. What if everyone thought that way? What if I thought my contribution wasn't meaningful? We all matter and have something to contribute to this world. I will never again take that for granted. This year, I shifted away from single-use plastics (as much as possible during a pandemic). I moved to eat mostly plant-based for the environmental impact, and I donated as much food, clothes, books, and cash I could to my community. And when I spent money on things I needed, I made sure to spend it with companies that support the values I want to see more of in the world- even if it cost me more. I've always felt that we vote with our dollars, but I think this year, that notion became even more pronounced. Rather than letting my anger, fear, or anxiety get the best of me, I poured my heart into what I could control. I felt blessed that I am in a place in life to give back- so I gave all that I could, and I know this impacted many lives. For that, I am grateful beyond measure.
2. Being stuck in the house for months with no real social interactions was hard. However, this allowed me time to reflect and go inward to a level that I would never have done otherwise. With our society on constant hustle mode, always on the go, there was never time to go deep. At first, I turned to comfort foods, drinking daily, and lots of sugar to "cope" with the situation, the lack of answers, the fear surrounding a world that was exploding from within. But once I allowed myself to be, to give up my crutches, I was able to see the lessons that were below the surface. In November, I did a vegan cleanse that took away all my sugar, dairy, caffeine, alcohol- all of my band-aids. The food was terrific, and I enjoyed eating the meals and cooking the food.
The hard part was being a witness to all of my bad habits. It felt like everything was stripped away, and I had to face myself and any emotions I was trying to hide or hide from. This seemingly simple thing transformed me from the inside out. From that moment on, I knew I had work to do to heal. I started working with a naturopath to resolve some long term issues that the standard medical care has been unable to help with. I decided to take a break from drinking, and I changed my diet to a mostly plant-based one. I can't say that I will never drink or eat oysters again, but I know there is no going back to the old way. I feel so much freedom here. Freedom to be me, freedom to eat the way I want to eat and not worry or feel guilty about it, freedom to move my body that feels intuitive without worrying about how many calories I am burning. It's ironic that I ran from all of my issues for so long or tried to stuff them inside and keep moving, and now that I am opening up and allowing it all just to come out, this is where I find the most joy and freedom. Maybe this isn't ironic at all. It is just my intuition leading me, rather than being led by what society expects. So I am grateful to 2020 to allow me the space to get in touch with myself without all the noise from friends, coworkers, and family. I was able to figure out what I needed for myself and make some significant changes.
3. The third lesson, is giving up control. By November, I had been through so many ups and downs at work. Stressful situations were the norm, and it finally occurred that I have so little control over any of this. I work for a company that sells COVID-19 testing, and although that is not my product, the impact of shipping, delays, and backorders was impacting all parts of the company. Usually, I would stress and worry and be up at night. Call it my clear head from lack of alcohol, but it just hit me that my worrying will contribute nothing. I decided that I would only worry about what I could control, which immediately released about 80% of my concerns. The 80/20 rule means I can focus my energy on the 20% of things that I can control and let go of the rest. I think this makes me 80% more effective, and I sleep way better at night. Now when issues come up, I take action and let the rest go.
The other way I am applying this is with my parenting. I spend the first 11 months worrying about my daughter's lack of socialization, education, health, and well being. It finally occurred to me that I didn't create the coronavirus, nor this pandemic. None of this is my fault. I can't blame myself for this. All I can do is encourage her to get more exercise, play games, read, and eat healthily- all things I was already doing. As long as I know I am showing up and doing my part, focusing on what I have control over, I can and should just let go of the rest. "I am doing my best", and "this too shall pass" have been my supportive mantras. Sometimes it is the simple things we need the most reminding.
4. My final lesson from this year relates to all of the other lessons: the mind-body connection. I think this is something I have known for a while, but it didn't sink in until now. I needed all the quiet time to start listening to my intuition. However, in a short time, I have seen some remarkable shifts in my own body. Things that I have been trying to figure out for so long have started to shift. Previously, I thought there was a supplement or a diet or something external that would fix my ailments. I am realizing now that those things may help, yes you need a good diet, and herbs and vitamins will help support your systems, but one of the most significant components is what we feed ourselves in the form of words and thoughts. The negative loops we play repeatedly, the constant self-judgment, even what we think other people are thinking or saying about us (most of that is just in our heads), all these things are damaging. They impact our hormones, our gut (microbiomes), and affect our health and well-being. It's essential to take responsibility for these things and work on them if we want to achieve optimal health and well-being- I know I do. The mind-body connection is a complex subject with multiple layers, and I plan to dive into this with my naturopath in 2021. I have started listening to what is going on, listening to my body- those aches and pains aren't normal, they are signals, my body asking for help. I have started sitting with my emotions, letting them be, and watching them wash over me and out of me rather than quickly jumping to the next task or eating something to stuff them down. I have started using affirmations to help reset my mind and bring about a new voice of clarity. I have stopped judging myself. Sure this is not something I can fix overnight, but the intention is there, and I am working on it every day. I have also started doing meditations and yoga that focus on bringing more loving-kindness and healing to my body where I need it. These are all subtle things and may seem insignificant, but I think this will make all the difference for me, and it just intuitively feels right to love and support my body. It all adds up.
So when people say that they are glad 2020 is almost over, I have to agree, but in some ways, this year has taught me more about myself than I probably would have learned in ten years. For these lessons, I am grateful, and I hope that when I reflect on this year, post-pandemic, I can see more value in what I have learned and focus more on than on all the pain and suffering we have seen. It has been a year of tremendous loss, and that can't be understated or forgotten, but I think it will ultimately be a year that we saw more transformation than ever before. I hope we look back and see that this changed us all for the better.
With a grateful heart, I release 2020 and allow the new and fresh and vital to enter.
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